Tuesday, June 16, 2009

nacho baby

"precious father, why have you given me this desire to wrestle and then made me such a stinky warrior? have i focused too much on my boots and all my fame and my stretchy pants?"

nacho, i sorta feel that way myself.
why have i been given such a strong desire to be a mother but then i was made such a stinky baby maker?

bear with me while i try to compare nacho's story to mine.
hmmm, this should be good.

*first of all, he has always been intrigued by the life of a luchador. i mean, they get "daisies and goodies" and all the "fancy creams and lotions". heck, i wanna be a luchador!
-i have always wanted to be a mother. ever since i can remember.

*next, nacho feels useless. actually, he is told he is such. "jou are useless, ignacio"
-i feel useless. surely i was not made to work m-f doing what i am doing. i feel so completely useless.

*so on he goes to find "another duty". his passion. to become a fighter.
- i’ve found my other duty. i just can’t reach it yet.

*but he can't get there. he is too stinky of a wrestler to ever become a real luchador.
- i can’t get there either. i am too stinky of a baby maker to ever become a real mother.

this is where i stop because we all know that nacho finds strength to win and gives all the monies to the orphans.

however, i haven’t won yet. this movie isn’t over. dang, i need a refill on my popcorn. kettle corn, please.

Friday, June 12, 2009

private {parts} :)

i've gone back and forth as to whether or not i should be private. if you can read this then you know my decision. i need a way to talk about my feelings openly. i want others to know they are not alone. i decided to make this blog because of the other infertility/adoption blogs that i have read that have given me peace. i can't tell you how many i have read that have brought me to tears. i hope i have something to offer the community that has given me so much.
for now i have decided to keep my name and other info off of this blog. i'm not comfortable with people i personally know reading this blog...and knowing it's me. it's out there for others who can relate...and for myself, of course. i can only imagine i will be a better person for having gone through this trial. i'd like to be able to look back and see how far i have come. here's to a better tomorrow.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

better never than late.

scratch that last post. i spoke too soon. and i'm struggling to see the hope. the only hope i have right now is i hope they have my favorite flavor at the frozen yogurt shop.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009


Auntie Flo is tardy. Again. Isn’t there some kind of punishment for that? Like detention or something? It’s really starting to get to me. I am starting to go crazy. I used to average 26 day cycles, more recently I have had 29, even 32 day cycles. Me no likey. I’m starting to believe I could actually be with child. Today is day 33. Yikes! Day 30 yielded a negative result. As I think back over the past 3 years, each time I thought about being pregnant, it never felt real. It felt like it would never really happen to me. Whenever I would tell the hubby, he said just the opposite. He could picture it really happening, for reals.
Today as I was thinking about “what if I really am pregnant?” I felt like it could really, really happen. I could see the hubby loving on my belly. I could see us going to the dr. for an ultrasound. It felt real. I could see us past this trial and happily looking forward to the birth of our sweet, long awaited for baby.
Tomorrow morning I will try peeing on a stick again. Wish me luck.
I’d like to end here and keep this sweet and positive and….naive. However, I’ve done that too many times to count. Actually like 41 times, to be exact.
I think of this quote; “If you do what you’ve always done, you will get what you’ve always got.” We’ve always “done it” the old fashioned way {besides those 3 months of clomid} and we’ve always never been with child. So, I have to revert to my post flo thinking. “You idiot. Why would you be so stupid as to believe you YOU(!) could actually be pregnant? When will you ever learn?”
Yes, that sounds about right. That my inner dialogue. Usually it goes on a bit longer, but you get the idea. Perhaps I am still holding on to hope. Hope that it will happen naturally. Hope, even after our RE has said the chances of us ever becoming pregnant naturally are; “slim to none” his words, not mine. I’m sure we’ve all heard of that couple that miraculously becomes pregnant after doctors said it was impossible {or chances being slim to none}. I hope that we are that story. I hope.

All this talk of hope reminds me of an ensign article:

Hope: The Misunderstood Sister
…….My desire to know Hope better was sparked when a high councilor speaking in our sacrament meeting quoted
Romans 5:3–5:
“We glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience;
“And patience, experience; and experience, hope:
“And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.”
As I read and reread those verses and pondered and prayed about them, the one concept I could not seem to wrap my mind around was how experience fits in the equation. I could understand that tribulation “worketh” (or brings about) patience. Often that’s all we can do in tribulation—have faith and wait patiently upon the Lord. But what is the experience that patience brings about? And how does it result in hope? This seemed to be what I call a puzzle piece.
For me, things I don’t understand about the gospel are like pieces of a larger puzzle I’m working on. If I don’t see where they fit, I put them aside and work on other parts of the picture. From time to time I pick them up and look at them. If I still don’t see how they fit, I put them aside again. I have already received a witness that the whole picture—the restored gospel—is true and complete, so I don’t worry about the pieces that haven’t come together for me yet. They will.
And so one day, as I reexamined this particular puzzle piece, I saw a possible connection I hadn’t seen before. When we endure tribulation with faith and patience, what we experience is the Savior’s awareness of us and His love for us. We experience them through the ministrations of the Holy Ghost, the Comforter. We receive this witness after the trial of our faith (see Ether 12:6).
In my own life, when I patiently endure trials, the Savior, who took upon Himself all of our ills and sorrows (see Alma 7:11–12), ministers to me through the Spirit. I experience the Savior’s tender mercies. My trials may continue, but having taken upon me the yoke of Christ, I find Him sharing my yoke, making my burdens bearable, and giving me hope. I then have strength to endure. I have assurance that all will be made right, not just in eternity but also for eternity. Hope is anything but wishful. It is expectation based on experience.
I see Hope more clearly now. She is serene. Her eyes have the deep, knowing look of someone well acquainted with sorrow, the luminosity of recently being wet with tears. Hope has the confidence of one who clearly sees a bright future even when the next hours seem fog shrouded. Hope is steady and strong, a friend I am glad to have beside me during my own trials.

With that being said, if I am not a mother in 9 months, I know I will be someday. I will not be denied of that experience. Amid my trials I have hope for a bright

Friday, June 5, 2009

Does it get any easier? I don’t know. I think it does. Like I don’t cry as much….well, that’s not necessarily true. It depends on the day I suppose. I can’t seem to gather my thoughts as to how I feel about that question. When we started TTC 3 years ago, I had NO idea what I was in for. Now, almost 42 cycles later, I have come to accept it as part of my life. Part of who I am. Part of who we are as a couple. So maybe that’s the answer; no, it’s not easier, I have just come to accept it. There’s no denial here.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

great read

want a really good infertility book? this is a great read. i recommend it to anyone in the LDS scene dealing with infertility. you can find it here.
i read this baby in less than 24 hours...not that's it's all that long, i'm just sayin'.
anyhow, i love it and refer to it quite often.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Not "in" fertility…so far from it

I’m not sure exactly how I want to start this thing. I figure if I type it will come. Crap. Im stumped already. I’m not sure how I feel about infertility. It’s been by my side for three years. What a loyal friend, eh? Numerous times. No, countless times I have told this “friend” of mine to go away! Leave me alone! Be gone I say! Apparently there is nothing I can do or say to make said friend take a hike.
But wait! Alert the media!
The dr. says there is something I can do.
Oh? Tell me more, dr.
There will be a lot of money involved he says…..like, A LOT, a lot. You’ll pay me and I will do the dirty work.
(Intrigued) Please, go on.
The timing has to be just so. It will involve sharp instruments and……..drugs he warns.
But dr! I’ve never been involved in such a thing! I’m scared!
Shoot woman! Do you want to be rid of this or what?!
Hell yes! I exclaim (pardon the french. infertility has made me say a lot of things i shouldn't)
Then…..let the work begin.

And that’s where this tale starts.

After 3 years of TTC we feel we are closer than ever to parenthood. We can taste it. Due to the cold, hard fact that a lot of mullah is involved in the IVF procedure we are doin’ it the old fashioned way until we save up enough bucks for that blessed day when we kick this infertility in the nuts.




I loathe infertility.

There. i said it. (or typed it, rather)

Now that I’ve got that out of my system, I suppose I can find it in me to be nice. After all, it’s been part of me for 3 years...and will be for the rest of my life so I may as well play nice.

Being childless longer than I planned to be has made me realized that when I am no longer such (which will become a reality) I will appreciate those babes that much more because I had to work so blasted hard to get them here. I wanted them here. We wanted them here. They will not be an accident. Infertility has reminded me to work hard for what I want.
Patience is a virtue…or so I hear. That being said, I’m a pretty stubborn person. My mother will attest to that. Infertility has taught me patience.
Month after failed month, tear after tear, tampon after tampon (or would you prefer I called them party poppers? However, this is no celebration) I am reminded that there is always next month. Always. Infertility has taught me to never give up.
When I hear of others’ complaining about you, I am able to relate. I have my own wretched stories to tell. I don’t sit there and say, “It will happen,” or “just relax” like I have been told so many times. I feel for those who haven't been able to get pregnant, and for those who haven't been married yet, but who so righteously desire marriage and therefore, children. Infertility has taught me compassion.
Last, but certainly not least, being a two some for almost 5 years, my husband and I have been able to have a lot of time to ourselves and to each other. To do the things we like and want to do more easily than if we had a chubby dumpling to care for. We have come to know each other better. We have come to rely on each other more. We have come to love each other greater. And let’s face it, we have been going at it like rabbits. Infertility has given me more time alone with the man I love. I've fallen more in love with who he is and what he has to offer {his heart} rather than what he doesn't have to offer.
How are life lessons really learned and ingrained? Read, as if a story. No. They are learned through experience. I have learned so much already. Those lessons are a part of me. Just like infertility is and always be a part of who I am, even if I am able to bear children.
So, infertility, can I call you friend? For you have taught me and will continue to teach me and remind me important lessons that will make me become what my Heavenly Father wants me to be.
Yours truly.

Ps: I’m sure I will see you in a few days. If you’re going to come, please don’t be late, you don’t know how much that teasing gets to me.