Monday, November 30, 2009

turkey for thought

it seems as if i post when i am having a bad day. i spend a lot of time thinking. my mind is constantly on my infertility. weather or not my thoughts are directed to that or not, it still lingers in the back of my mind like old rotting food in the back of the refridgerator. only this is harder to get rid of. if only it were as easy as tossing it into the garbage.

i wanted to write my thoughts about thanksgiving. this year was harder than any year i can remember. past thanksgivings i dont remember the holiday being more difficult because we didnt have children. it was just as hard as any other day to me. but this year i didn't want to celebrate thanksgiving with anyone. i would have been just fine at home with the husband and dog. i was actually in a sour mood most of the day. it didnt help that as we panted ourselves on the couch to let our food digest, my mom and aunt had to talk about childbirth and all that stuff. i asked if we could change the subject. when that didnt happen i got a tad pissed and said something like, "it's bad enough i have to listen to this kind of stuff everywhere else i go..." and i just walked out and sat in my cousins room and woke my sleeping sister up to chat. it felt good to get that off my chest. i dont say things like that out loud to others, i just keep it all in.

the next day i started putting away my fall decor and getting the christmas stuff out. my heart wasn't in it. usually i am just a happy little elf decorating for christmas. that day i felt sad and empty. i cried a little. "here we are again", i thought, "another holiday has come and gone." last year i looked forward to this christmas thinking i'd atleast be expecting or something in our situation would have changed. but it hasnt. i may as well have been in that tupperware all year. i cried thinking about putting away the christmas lights and ornaments only to get back out next year when everthing will still be the same as it is now. i almost feel foolish. okay, i do feel that way. i almost dont want to bother with getting a tree or even sending christmas cards.

as i sit and complain about my situation, my heart hurts for those who long to be mothers. even more so for those who haven't yet been married. i know plenty of older women who have never married and who long for a spouse and children. i can only imagine their pain is far greater than mine.

i've made a goal to be more thankful for what i do have. i think i am expecting everything to be perfect once i am a mother. in most situations i think life will be better when i am a mother. however, i want life to be great right now! not later. i want to feel absolutely happy and content with where i am now.

Monday, November 16, 2009

a few weeks ago i found myself crying on the way to work. this is not a new experience. it actually happens often. i dont want to be this. i dont want to be the person that works 40 hour weeks. i want to be at home doing what i have dreamt of for as long as i can remember.
some days i feel like i cant handle what i have been dealt. it fancied the idea of driving 80 mph straight into the freeway wall. when thoughts like that come i have to think of something else before i do something stupid. i dont think i would actually take my life, but some days are just so hard and i find myself thinking about "what if i did....."
i know, that's horrible. i do love my husband and my life for the most part. there are just parts that i cant take.
as i was driving i was talking/thinking to myself (or anyone who was there listening) that i can't handle another period. i can't handle another dissappointment. i can't take it anymore. im through.
well, the weeks have come and gone. af still didn't show her ugly face. i was beginning to think maybe we are finally getting what we have wanted for so long. i took too many pregnancy tests to count. i went to the dr. to take a pregnancy test. all of them said the same thing. "nope. you're not pregnant you fool! why the hell would you think you would be?" but i still had hope. until yesterday. day 46. i lost hope. i lost faith. i lost it. i just cried and cried. it wasn't the biggest meltdown that i've had. they were heartbreaking, quiet tears. realization that we will never just get pregnant on our own. ever.
as i sat in church i was doing fine. i was laughing and smiling at the funny things children were doing. until she walked in. a woman that has been married less than my husband and i have been and who already has 3 children. i wasn't thinking badly of her. i just realized that dh and i are stuck on a ride going nowhere. everyone elses lives are moving. things are changing. toddlers are growing into children. babies are growing into toddlers. bellys are getting round, babies are coming to earth.
but us? no. we're stuck, and i'm starting to get dizzy. everywhere i look things are quickly moving and we're the only things standing still. i shed a few tears after that thought.
i'm not sure what i am supposed to be doing with my time before i get the chance to be a mother. it's so frustrating....
well, i am depressing myself too much. so, on a lighter note, i ran for 16 miles on saturday. i've never felt so capable and so accomplished in my life. i couldn't stop smiling. i wasn't sure if it was true. i kept checking my nike+ipod tracker to make sure i really did that. i even had to repeat to myself in the car on my way home!
maybe there is something to be learned there. i do feel better when i focus on what i can do rather than what i can't do....


what makes you feel good about yourself? what's your "neener neener" to those baby makers?!