I’m not sure exactly how I want to start this thing. I figure if I type it will come. Crap. Im stumped already. I’m not sure how I feel about infertility. It’s been by my side for three years. What a loyal friend, eh? Numerous times. No, countless times I have told this “friend” of mine to go away! Leave me alone! Be gone I say! Apparently there is nothing I can do or say to make said friend take a hike.
But wait! Alert the media!
The dr. says there is something I can do.
Oh? Tell me more, dr.
There will be a lot of money involved he says…..like, A LOT, a lot. You’ll pay me and I will do the dirty work.
(Intrigued) Please, go on.
The timing has to be just so. It will involve sharp instruments and……..drugs he warns.
But dr! I’ve never been involved in such a thing! I’m scared!
Shoot woman! Do you want to be rid of this or what?!
Hell yes! I exclaim (pardon the french. infertility has made me say a lot of things i shouldn't)
Then…..let the work begin.
And that’s where this tale starts.
After 3 years of TTC we feel we are closer than ever to parenthood. We can taste it. Due to the cold, hard fact that a lot of mullah is involved in the IVF procedure we are doin’ it the old fashioned way until we save up enough bucks for that blessed day when we kick this infertility in the nuts.
.
.
.
I loathe infertility.
There. i said it. (or typed it, rather)
Now that I’ve got that out of my system, I suppose I can find it in me to be nice. After all, it’s been part of me for 3 years...and will be for the rest of my life so I may as well play nice.
Being childless longer than I planned to be has made me realized that when I am no longer such (which will become a reality) I will appreciate those babes that much more because I had to work so blasted hard to get them here. I wanted them here. We wanted them here. They will not be an accident. Infertility has reminded me to work hard for what I want.
Patience is a virtue…or so I hear. That being said, I’m a pretty stubborn person. My mother will attest to that. Infertility has taught me patience.
Month after failed month, tear after tear, tampon after tampon (or would you prefer I called them party poppers? However, this is no celebration) I am reminded that there is always next month. Always. Infertility has taught me to never give up.
When I hear of others’ complaining about you, I am able to relate. I have my own wretched stories to tell. I don’t sit there and say, “It will happen,” or “just relax” like I have been told so many times. I feel for those who haven't been able to get pregnant, and for those who haven't been married yet, but who so righteously desire marriage and therefore, children. Infertility has taught me compassion.
Last, but certainly not least, being a two some for almost 5 years, my husband and I have been able to have a lot of time to ourselves and to each other. To do the things we like and want to do more easily than if we had a chubby dumpling to care for. We have come to know each other better. We have come to rely on each other more. We have come to love each other greater. And let’s face it, we have been going at it like rabbits. Infertility has given me more time alone with the man I love. I've fallen more in love with who he is and what he has to offer {his heart} rather than what he doesn't have to offer.
How are life lessons really learned and ingrained? Read, as if a story. No. They are learned through experience. I have learned so much already. Those lessons are a part of me. Just like infertility is and always be a part of who I am, even if I am able to bear children.
So, infertility, can I call you friend? For you have taught me and will continue to teach me and remind me important lessons that will make me become what my Heavenly Father wants me to be.
Thanks,
Yours truly.
Ps: I’m sure I will see you in a few days. If you’re going to come, please don’t be late, you don’t know how much that teasing gets to me.
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