my heart truly aches for every single woman that suffers the pains of infertility. nothing hurts worse. no one can understand what it's like unless they've been through it. i dont know why we are called to endure such heartache. i dont know why some ache for a few months, one year, two years, 3.5 years, 12+ years, or the rest of their life. lucky for us our heavenly father, who knows and loves us more than we will ever know, has a plan for us. complete with blessings and trials. trials are the things that in the end make us who we are. i believe we go through certain ones so as to become who he wants us to be. i think often of the story and process of a lump of coal becoming a diamond. the pressure it goes through to become something so precious can so easily be paralled to the trials we go through on this earth. we are only becoming diamonds!
the 3.5 years we have been trying to conceive i have met only personally met a handful of women who were in the same boat. each time i vented to them of the struggles we are going through they ended up pregnant within 6 months! i was considering offering my services to other infertile women. just come vent with me and you will be with child in the next 6 months!
watching practically everyone around me get pregnant truly made me wonder if i would ever get the chance. i knew i was promised children, but i was so wrapped up in the fact that it felt like so long since we started trying, i just couldnt picture a future where i was pregnant. we were told IVF was our route to parenthood, but honestly, we couldn't afford it and weren't sure we would ever. i mean, should we put ourselves out financially just so we could have a baby? it just didn't seem right. and that was the bottom line. nothing seemed right. adoption was another great option. again, for us, it just didn't feel right.
on dec. 28, 2009, i had an appt with the gyn- i told her we wanted to try the IUI proceudre. we knew the chances were very slim, but we figured they'd be greater than plain 'ol sex. and at about $300 a pop it was much more do-able than ivf. i left the appt feeling very optomistic about the procedure. now all we need to do is wait for AF to come. for the first time in 3.5 years, i couldn't wait!
so, when the days kept coming and going with no sign of AF, i was getting very anxious. we decided we'd wait until i passed 45 days to take a pregnancy test. well, i started to get even more antsy and took a test 3 days sooner. it was sunday and just seemed better to take it then rather than on a weekday. i was up at 6:30 and had to use the restroom so badly. i decided to do it then. i mean it's not like i will actually be pregnant, so i dont have to worry about DH being asleep while i do this. so i preoceded to do what i've done too many times to count. however, this one is one that i will never forget.
now, i dont know why january 17, 2010 was the day it would be my turn. 3 years 7 months and one day after we decided we'd start trying, we got our wish. it was the second best day of our married life. our very first BFP! we have been in shock ever since. i couldnt believe my eyes when on that $1 store pregnancy test i saw two lines. i really did a double take. then, of course, i started crying. bawling. i knelt i prayer immediately, thanking our heavenly father for the gift we have wanted so badly.
i came out of the bathroom still sobbing. i fumbled with the lights. all of my noise woke up DH, that's what i was aiming for. he had no clue what was going on. with worry in his voice he asked what was wrong. i sat on the bed, shaking, and told him we were pregnant. we just hugged. it was the best moment. it was the moment i have dreamt of for so long. it was the moment i wasn't sure would ever become more than just a dream.
everyday we are thankful for this amazing gift. we have no idea why it happened. we were never expecting it. we wished for it, but weren't sure if it'd happen. or when. or how. after being told our chances of ever conceiving natually were "slim to none", this was quite the suprise, as you can imagine. this miracle confirms my faith in god and his power. there is nothing more powerful. it amazes me everyday.
i hate to have been out of blogging for as long as i have, only to come back to announce this kind of news. i realize and know you will hurt. for me it was always easier to hear pregnancy news from someone who struggled to get pregnant, but it still hurt.
please know that you are in my heart and prayers. never give up on your dream. never give up on that baby waiting to come to you. i can only imagine they are just as anxious to come to earth to recieve a body as we are to be their mother. i know it probably seems like "it's easy for me to say that" however, i do know that sooner or later we will all be mothers. your desire is there. i feel it in every post i read.
during my heartaches i wanted a place to free my thoughts, fears and sadness. somewhere i could hide myself and not worry about anyone knowing me.
i wont be posting pregnancy updates on this blog, however, if you'd like to follow me, visit my family blog: http://jacksonallison.blogspot.com/
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