Tardy.

Auntie Flo is tardy. Again. Isn’t there some kind of punishment for that? Like detention or something? It’s really starting to get to me. I am starting to go crazy. I used to average 26 day cycles, more recently I have had 29, even 32 day cycles. Me no likey. I’m starting to believe I could actually be with child. Today is day 33. Yikes! Day 30 yielded a negative result. As I think back over the past 3 years, each time I thought about being pregnant, it never felt real. It felt like it would never really happen to me. Whenever I would tell the hubby, he said just the opposite. He could picture it really happening, for reals.
Today as I was thinking about “what if I really am pregnant?” I felt like it could really, really happen. I could see the hubby loving on my belly. I could see us going to the dr. for an ultrasound. It felt real. I could see us past this trial and happily looking forward to the birth of our sweet, long awaited for baby.
Tomorrow morning I will try peeing on a stick again. Wish me luck.
I’d like to end here and keep this sweet and positive and….naive. However, I’ve done that too many times to count. Actually like 41 times, to be exact.
I think of this quote; “If you do what you’ve always done, you will get what you’ve always got.” We’ve always “done it” the old fashioned way {besides those 3 months of clomid} and we’ve always never been with child. So, I have to revert to my post flo thinking. “You idiot. Why would you be so stupid as to believe you YOU(!) could actually be pregnant? When will you ever learn?”
Yes, that sounds about right. That my inner dialogue. Usually it goes on a bit longer, but you get the idea. Perhaps I am still holding on to hope. Hope that it will happen naturally. Hope, even after our RE has said the chances of us ever becoming pregnant naturally are; “slim to none” his words, not mine. I’m sure we’ve all heard of that couple that miraculously becomes pregnant after doctors said it was impossible {or chances being slim to none}. I hope that we are that story. I hope.

All this talk of hope reminds me of an ensign article:

Hope: The Misunderstood Sister
…….My desire to know Hope better was sparked when a high councilor speaking in our sacrament meeting quoted Romans 5:3–5:
“We glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience;
“And patience, experience; and experience, hope:
“And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.”
As I read and reread those verses and pondered and prayed about them, the one concept I could not seem to wrap my mind around was how experience fits in the equation. I could understand that tribulation “worketh” (or brings about) patience. Often that’s all we can do in tribulation—have faith and wait patiently upon the Lord. But what is the experience that patience brings about? And how does it result in hope? This seemed to be what I call a puzzle piece.
For me, things I don’t understand about the gospel are like pieces of a larger puzzle I’m working on. If I don’t see where they fit, I put them aside and work on other parts of the picture. From time to time I pick them up and look at them. If I still don’t see how they fit, I put them aside again. I have already received a witness that the whole picture—the restored gospel—is true and complete, so I don’t worry about the pieces that haven’t come together for me yet. They will.
And so one day, as I reexamined this particular puzzle piece, I saw a possible connection I hadn’t seen before. When we endure tribulation with faith and patience, what we experience is the Savior’s awareness of us and His love for us. We experience them through the ministrations of the Holy Ghost, the Comforter. We receive this witness after the trial of our faith (see Ether 12:6).
In my own life, when I patiently endure trials, the Savior, who took upon Himself all of our ills and sorrows (see Alma 7:11–12), ministers to me through the Spirit. I experience the Savior’s tender mercies. My trials may continue, but having taken upon me the yoke of Christ, I find Him sharing my yoke, making my burdens bearable, and giving me hope. I then have strength to endure. I have assurance that all will be made right, not just in eternity but also for eternity. Hope is anything but wishful. It is expectation based on experience.
I see Hope more clearly now. She is serene. Her eyes have the deep, knowing look of someone well acquainted with sorrow, the luminosity of recently being wet with tears. Hope has the confidence of one who clearly sees a bright future even when the next hours seem fog shrouded. Hope is steady and strong, a friend I am glad to have beside me during my own trials.

With that being said, if I am not a mother in 9 months, I know I will be someday. I will not be denied of that experience. Amid my trials I have hope for a bright future.