Monday, November 30, 2009

turkey for thought

it seems as if i post when i am having a bad day. i spend a lot of time thinking. my mind is constantly on my infertility. weather or not my thoughts are directed to that or not, it still lingers in the back of my mind like old rotting food in the back of the refridgerator. only this is harder to get rid of. if only it were as easy as tossing it into the garbage.

i wanted to write my thoughts about thanksgiving. this year was harder than any year i can remember. past thanksgivings i dont remember the holiday being more difficult because we didnt have children. it was just as hard as any other day to me. but this year i didn't want to celebrate thanksgiving with anyone. i would have been just fine at home with the husband and dog. i was actually in a sour mood most of the day. it didnt help that as we panted ourselves on the couch to let our food digest, my mom and aunt had to talk about childbirth and all that stuff. i asked if we could change the subject. when that didnt happen i got a tad pissed and said something like, "it's bad enough i have to listen to this kind of stuff everywhere else i go..." and i just walked out and sat in my cousins room and woke my sleeping sister up to chat. it felt good to get that off my chest. i dont say things like that out loud to others, i just keep it all in.

the next day i started putting away my fall decor and getting the christmas stuff out. my heart wasn't in it. usually i am just a happy little elf decorating for christmas. that day i felt sad and empty. i cried a little. "here we are again", i thought, "another holiday has come and gone." last year i looked forward to this christmas thinking i'd atleast be expecting or something in our situation would have changed. but it hasnt. i may as well have been in that tupperware all year. i cried thinking about putting away the christmas lights and ornaments only to get back out next year when everthing will still be the same as it is now. i almost feel foolish. okay, i do feel that way. i almost dont want to bother with getting a tree or even sending christmas cards.

as i sit and complain about my situation, my heart hurts for those who long to be mothers. even more so for those who haven't yet been married. i know plenty of older women who have never married and who long for a spouse and children. i can only imagine their pain is far greater than mine.

i've made a goal to be more thankful for what i do have. i think i am expecting everything to be perfect once i am a mother. in most situations i think life will be better when i am a mother. however, i want life to be great right now! not later. i want to feel absolutely happy and content with where i am now.


  1. I understand what you mean people sometimes don't think before they speak. They don't know that what they say makes you feel like your heart is being torn apart as they complain about something you can only dream about. I to allow myself a chance to cry when a person, even unknowingly hurts me because i have a bad habit of bottling it up and that only makes things worse. Give your self a cry when you need to.

  2. You could have looked directly in my mind today and seen the exact same thing that you wrote in this post! I understand so vividly how you feel. Holidays are SO hard. I also understand how it feels to just want to be happy regardless of fertility...if only that was as easy as it sounds.

  3. YAY for you for educating others! I believe that the majority of comments are meant to be harmless and they don't even realize how they are hurting, but maybe educating will help. You had a bad day- never appologise for your feelings and for being human. My heart really does go out to you. I know how you feel. Know you are not alone and I will be saying special prayers for you this holiday season. {{HUGS}}.....{{AND MORE HUGS}}.....

  4. They don't know that what they say makes you feel like your heart is being torn apar

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