Monday, November 16, 2009

a few weeks ago i found myself crying on the way to work. this is not a new experience. it actually happens often. i dont want to be this. i dont want to be the person that works 40 hour weeks. i want to be at home doing what i have dreamt of for as long as i can remember.
some days i feel like i cant handle what i have been dealt. it fancied the idea of driving 80 mph straight into the freeway wall. when thoughts like that come i have to think of something else before i do something stupid. i dont think i would actually take my life, but some days are just so hard and i find myself thinking about "what if i did....."
i know, that's horrible. i do love my husband and my life for the most part. there are just parts that i cant take.
as i was driving i was talking/thinking to myself (or anyone who was there listening) that i can't handle another period. i can't handle another dissappointment. i can't take it anymore. im through.
well, the weeks have come and gone. af still didn't show her ugly face. i was beginning to think maybe we are finally getting what we have wanted for so long. i took too many pregnancy tests to count. i went to the dr. to take a pregnancy test. all of them said the same thing. "nope. you're not pregnant you fool! why the hell would you think you would be?" but i still had hope. until yesterday. day 46. i lost hope. i lost faith. i lost it. i just cried and cried. it wasn't the biggest meltdown that i've had. they were heartbreaking, quiet tears. realization that we will never just get pregnant on our own. ever.
as i sat in church i was doing fine. i was laughing and smiling at the funny things children were doing. until she walked in. a woman that has been married less than my husband and i have been and who already has 3 children. i wasn't thinking badly of her. i just realized that dh and i are stuck on a ride going nowhere. everyone elses lives are moving. things are changing. toddlers are growing into children. babies are growing into toddlers. bellys are getting round, babies are coming to earth.
but us? no. we're stuck, and i'm starting to get dizzy. everywhere i look things are quickly moving and we're the only things standing still. i shed a few tears after that thought.
i'm not sure what i am supposed to be doing with my time before i get the chance to be a mother. it's so frustrating....
well, i am depressing myself too much. so, on a lighter note, i ran for 16 miles on saturday. i've never felt so capable and so accomplished in my life. i couldn't stop smiling. i wasn't sure if it was true. i kept checking my nike+ipod tracker to make sure i really did that. i even had to repeat to myself in the car on my way home!
maybe there is something to be learned there. i do feel better when i focus on what i can do rather than what i can't do....


what makes you feel good about yourself? what's your "neener neener" to those baby makers?!


  1. I do a lot of angry baking when I'm really upset. It helps take my mind off things for a little while and I know hubs enjoys the outcomes of those baking sessions.

    I don't have a "neener neener" but I need one!

  2. Thanks for posting such an honest entry. Quite frankly, I've felt the same way. It's hard when it feels like everyone else is living the life you always thought you'd have.

    My dogs have been the only things that have kept me sane through all this--that and a lot of retail therapy!

  3. angry baking! that's great! better than angry bingeing...which i know i've done! :)

    what hurts is when mothers comment about how "lucky" we are. we get to come home to a quiet house. they just don't understand how miserable a quiet home can be...
    retail therapy is wonderful...buyers remorse, not so much :)
    my dog is my saving grace, too! :)

  4. My "neener neeners" to those baby makers are Sunday naps, date nights with my hubby, a clean home, and two-incomes.

    I would trade it all in a heartbeat, but I still try to enjoy it when I can.

  5. LOVE your honest post!!! Oh how I have had those exact same thoughts and feelings too- more often lately!! Thanks you for sharing your feelings- it helps us- your infertility-sistas so much!!!

    My neener-neener is that I have a much deeper and greater appreciation and testimony for children. I sadly see so many mothers that take their special calling for granted. I'm also grateful for the opportunity to find other ways to "Mother". Not just to my own children but to those around me. It has definitely made my life so much more richer. I doubt I would have done that if it weren't for infertility!!!

  6. Love your honesty! I have felt the same way so often. The 40-hour work week is something that just reminds me that I have no reason to stay at home. I so wish I could trade that income for a baby...I'd do it in a heartbeat.

    My neener-neener is that I can fly away on vacations and be spontaneous and look hot in my "I don't have a saggy baby belly" clothes :)

  7. i LOVE all of your "neener-neeners"!

    RMCarter: not sure what could be better than a sunday nap...actually, a sunday nap with hubby and baby would :)

    Christine: AGREE! AMEN!

    LaNelle: "i don't have a saggy baby belly" hahaha! that's a good one! it made me laugh!

    although i hate that there are others out there that are hurting the same way i am, it sure makes it easier when that we can connect and help eachother :)

  8. I know hubs enjoys the outcomes of those baking sessions.

    Work from home India