Friday, July 31, 2009

next chapter

these past few days i've had a completely change of heart. like, i don't want children. not in a bitter, angry "i'm so ticked that i cant have them, that guess what, i dont want them anyways!" but in a way that i'll be okay if im not a mother in this life. i think it may be a blessing that i dont have that stong desire, it's going to make this A LOT easier to deal with if i don't want it that badly in the first place. i think most of this came from my last post. some came from talking to DH and some...or a lot came from watching my 2 neices for about 36 hours. i realized im selfish. i like doing what i want when i want to. i like a quiet house where someone isnt constantly talking. i like not playing silly games. i like laying out by the pool, not in the pool playing mermaid. i like watching discovery health rather than the disney channel. i like reading something before bed and not having to tell make believe stories. i like being able to give DH my 100% and not having to share myself. i like listening to my music on the radio (which may or may not have swear words in them). i like sleeping in on a saturday morning if i want, or enjoy an early morning hike without having to be home at any specific time. i like having my glass jars and other pretty things out and not have to worry about them breaking. i like doing it with the bedroom door open...or anywhere in the house we feel like.
i like day trips to cali and relaxing on the beach. i like chilling on the couch at family functions without worrying about a little one getting into trouble. i like not having to "shhhhshhh" kids during sac. mtg.
but guess what? i love babies. but do you know what they turn into? i'd rather have a teeny baby for years than have it turn into a 6+ yr old. i evil.
i used to LOVE babysitting. like, my favorite past time from ages 12-17 was doing that! now, i can't stand it. {unless it's like 0-1yr)

theres a no doubt song: simple kind of life:

I always thought I'd be a mom
Sometimes I wish for a mistake
The longer that I wait the more selfish that I get
You seem like you'd be a good dad

Now all those simple things are simply too complicated for my life
How'd I get so faithful to my freedom?
A selfish kind of life
When all I ever wanted was the simple things
A simple kind of life

it seems to me that these past 3 years have made me selfish.

but, i've decided to enjoy my life. continue to do what i want when i want. and stop being jealous of those who are pregnant or have babies...which apparently i am already over. when af came this morning i didnt even cry. or feel sad. one. little. bit.
honestly, i'm looking forward to this phase. i'm going to do things i have never done before. i want to show that i can have a happy and meaningful life without having children. (show who? me.)
i'm looking forward to not crying at baby blessings. im looking forward to not feeling sorry for myself but being grateful for the moment and period of my life that im in right now. im looking forward to not wanting to be like everyone else. most of all, im looking forward to being happy. which i havent been, truely, for a while. it might take some time. i didnt become grumpy overnight. and rome wasnt built in a day.

1 comment:

  1. You have such a great attitude! I wish I could get to that place for good, or at least more often. On our trip last week I definitely had the time to appreciate how much simpler parts of our lives are because we don't have children.

    I think, more than anything else, it's nice to not have every second of every day consumed by either demanding children or the pursuit of pregnancy. Here's to finding happiness with the way things are...not the way we'd like to force things to be!