my heart truly aches for every single woman that suffers the pains of infertility. nothing hurts worse. no one can understand what it's like unless they've been through it. i dont know why we are called to endure such heartache. i dont know why some ache for a few months, one year, two years, 3.5 years, 12+ years, or the rest of their life. lucky for us our heavenly father, who knows and loves us more than we will ever know, has a plan for us. complete with blessings and trials. trials are the things that in the end make us who we are. i believe we go through certain ones so as to become who he wants us to be. i think often of the story and process of a lump of coal becoming a diamond. the pressure it goes through to become something so precious can so easily be paralled to the trials we go through on this earth. we are only becoming diamonds!
the 3.5 years we have been trying to conceive i have met only personally met a handful of women who were in the same boat. each time i vented to them of the struggles we are going through they ended up pregnant within 6 months! i was considering offering my services to other infertile women. just come vent with me and you will be with child in the next 6 months!
watching practically everyone around me get pregnant truly made me wonder if i would ever get the chance. i knew i was promised children, but i was so wrapped up in the fact that it felt like so long since we started trying, i just couldnt picture a future where i was pregnant. we were told IVF was our route to parenthood, but honestly, we couldn't afford it and weren't sure we would ever. i mean, should we put ourselves out financially just so we could have a baby? it just didn't seem right. and that was the bottom line. nothing seemed right. adoption was another great option. again, for us, it just didn't feel right.
on dec. 28, 2009, i had an appt with the gyn- i told her we wanted to try the IUI proceudre. we knew the chances were very slim, but we figured they'd be greater than plain 'ol sex. and at about $300 a pop it was much more do-able than ivf. i left the appt feeling very optomistic about the procedure. now all we need to do is wait for AF to come. for the first time in 3.5 years, i couldn't wait!
so, when the days kept coming and going with no sign of AF, i was getting very anxious. we decided we'd wait until i passed 45 days to take a pregnancy test. well, i started to get even more antsy and took a test 3 days sooner. it was sunday and just seemed better to take it then rather than on a weekday. i was up at 6:30 and had to use the restroom so badly. i decided to do it then. i mean it's not like i will actually be pregnant, so i dont have to worry about DH being asleep while i do this. so i preoceded to do what i've done too many times to count. however, this one is one that i will never forget.
now, i dont know why january 17, 2010 was the day it would be my turn. 3 years 7 months and one day after we decided we'd start trying, we got our wish. it was the second best day of our married life. our very first BFP! we have been in shock ever since. i couldnt believe my eyes when on that $1 store pregnancy test i saw two lines. i really did a double take. then, of course, i started crying. bawling. i knelt i prayer immediately, thanking our heavenly father for the gift we have wanted so badly.
i came out of the bathroom still sobbing. i fumbled with the lights. all of my noise woke up DH, that's what i was aiming for. he had no clue what was going on. with worry in his voice he asked what was wrong. i sat on the bed, shaking, and told him we were pregnant. we just hugged. it was the best moment. it was the moment i have dreamt of for so long. it was the moment i wasn't sure would ever become more than just a dream.


everyday we are thankful for this amazing gift. we have no idea why it happened. we were never expecting it. we wished for it, but weren't sure if it'd happen. or when. or how. after being told our chances of ever conceiving natually were "slim to none", this was quite the suprise, as you can imagine. this miracle confirms my faith in god and his power. there is nothing more powerful. it amazes me everyday.

***


i hate to have been out of blogging for as long as i have, only to come back to announce this kind of news. i realize and know you will hurt. for me it was always easier to hear pregnancy news from someone who struggled to get pregnant, but it still hurt.

please know that you are in my heart and prayers. never give up on your dream. never give up on that baby waiting to come to you. i can only imagine they are just as anxious to come to earth to recieve a body as we are to be their mother. i know it probably seems like "it's easy for me to say that" however, i do know that sooner or later we will all be mothers. your desire is there. i feel it in every post i read.

*****

during my heartaches i wanted a place to free my thoughts, fears and sadness. somewhere i could hide myself and not worry about anyone knowing me.
i wont be posting pregnancy updates on this blog, however, if you'd like to follow me, visit my family blog: http://jacksonallison.blogspot.com/

miracles

it happened.

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we were about to do an IUI.

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AF never came.

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then, for the first time, we saw two lines.

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last week we found out it's a boy.

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we are excited and humbled.

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what dr.s said wouldn't happen on its own, did.

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i believe in miracles.

adoption vs. ivf

back in may of 2008 we met with our RE, in which we were told our chances of ever conceiving on our own was, in his words, "slim to none". since then we've thought about our two ways of starting our family- adoption or ivf. they are both great ways to bring children into the homes of those wanting to start their family or add to it. we've been trying to decide which is best for us. i/we go back and forth. one month we want to adopt, and the next we want to try ivf.
last night we talked about the two scenarios. i feel i have made up my mind. adoption. i feel that adoption is a guarantee. we will eventually get the baby that is meant to be in our family. with ivf, there is no guarantee. we can spend upwards of $10,000 only to have the procedure fail.
everytime we do sealing ordinances in the temple (we try to go 1x month with my inlaws) i get all emotional thinking of being sealed to our child in the temple. maybe that is heavenly father's way of letting me know that we will adopt and have children sealed to us that way. im not sure. at this point we are diligently saving as much $$ as we can and looking for ways to improve our situation. as much as we want children so badly, we just havent had the urgent feeling to move ahead yet.
have any of you felt this way? how did you come to a decision? i know through prayer we will get our answer. did you pray consistently for an answer of how to start your family before you even felt ready to move forward?

turkey for thought

it seems as if i post when i am having a bad day. i spend a lot of time thinking. my mind is constantly on my infertility. weather or not my thoughts are directed to that or not, it still lingers in the back of my mind like old rotting food in the back of the refridgerator. only this is harder to get rid of. if only it were as easy as tossing it into the garbage.

i wanted to write my thoughts about thanksgiving. this year was harder than any year i can remember. past thanksgivings i dont remember the holiday being more difficult because we didnt have children. it was just as hard as any other day to me. but this year i didn't want to celebrate thanksgiving with anyone. i would have been just fine at home with the husband and dog. i was actually in a sour mood most of the day. it didnt help that as we panted ourselves on the couch to let our food digest, my mom and aunt had to talk about childbirth and all that stuff. i asked if we could change the subject. when that didnt happen i got a tad pissed and said something like, "it's bad enough i have to listen to this kind of stuff everywhere else i go..." and i just walked out and sat in my cousins room and woke my sleeping sister up to chat. it felt good to get that off my chest. i dont say things like that out loud to others, i just keep it all in.

the next day i started putting away my fall decor and getting the christmas stuff out. my heart wasn't in it. usually i am just a happy little elf decorating for christmas. that day i felt sad and empty. i cried a little. "here we are again", i thought, "another holiday has come and gone." last year i looked forward to this christmas thinking i'd atleast be expecting or something in our situation would have changed. but it hasnt. i may as well have been in that tupperware all year. i cried thinking about putting away the christmas lights and ornaments only to get back out next year when everthing will still be the same as it is now. i almost feel foolish. okay, i do feel that way. i almost dont want to bother with getting a tree or even sending christmas cards.

as i sit and complain about my situation, my heart hurts for those who long to be mothers. even more so for those who haven't yet been married. i know plenty of older women who have never married and who long for a spouse and children. i can only imagine their pain is far greater than mine.

i've made a goal to be more thankful for what i do have. i think i am expecting everything to be perfect once i am a mother. in most situations i think life will be better when i am a mother. however, i want life to be great right now! not later. i want to feel absolutely happy and content with where i am now.

a few weeks ago i found myself crying on the way to work. this is not a new experience. it actually happens often. i dont want to be this. i dont want to be the person that works 40 hour weeks. i want to be at home doing what i have dreamt of for as long as i can remember.
some days i feel like i cant handle what i have been dealt. it fancied the idea of driving 80 mph straight into the freeway wall. when thoughts like that come i have to think of something else before i do something stupid. i dont think i would actually take my life, but some days are just so hard and i find myself thinking about "what if i did....."
i know, that's horrible. i do love my husband and my life for the most part. there are just parts that i cant take.
as i was driving i was talking/thinking to myself (or anyone who was there listening) that i can't handle another period. i can't handle another dissappointment. i can't take it anymore. im through.
well, the weeks have come and gone. af still didn't show her ugly face. i was beginning to think maybe we are finally getting what we have wanted for so long. i took too many pregnancy tests to count. i went to the dr. to take a pregnancy test. all of them said the same thing. "nope. you're not pregnant you fool! why the hell would you think you would be?" but i still had hope. until yesterday. day 46. i lost hope. i lost faith. i lost it. i just cried and cried. it wasn't the biggest meltdown that i've had. they were heartbreaking, quiet tears. realization that we will never just get pregnant on our own. ever.
as i sat in church i was doing fine. i was laughing and smiling at the funny things children were doing. until she walked in. a woman that has been married less than my husband and i have been and who already has 3 children. i wasn't thinking badly of her. i just realized that dh and i are stuck on a ride going nowhere. everyone elses lives are moving. things are changing. toddlers are growing into children. babies are growing into toddlers. bellys are getting round, babies are coming to earth.
but us? no. we're stuck, and i'm starting to get dizzy. everywhere i look things are quickly moving and we're the only things standing still. i shed a few tears after that thought.
i'm not sure what i am supposed to be doing with my time before i get the chance to be a mother. it's so frustrating....
well, i am depressing myself too much. so, on a lighter note, i ran for 16 miles on saturday. i've never felt so capable and so accomplished in my life. i couldn't stop smiling. i wasn't sure if it was true. i kept checking my nike+ipod tracker to make sure i really did that. i even had to repeat to myself in the car on my way home!
maybe there is something to be learned there. i do feel better when i focus on what i can do rather than what i can't do....

so

what makes you feel good about yourself? what's your "neener neener" to those baby makers?!

it's been quite a while since i have posted anything. i havent been reading too many infertility blogs, either. i've been spending my blogging time on health/exercise/food blogs. my thoughts hardly ever contemplate my infertility. right now i am thankful for that. i remember how i felt not too long ago. it seems as though this weight has been lifted off of me. or rather, i stopped carrying it around. i'm almost nervous for the day i pick it back up. i don't want to, but what if i start lugging that thing around with me?
i dont have any words of wisdom to share or any insights. im just happy where i am. my SIL had a baby not too long ago. and i didn't cry. another SIL is due soon and i'm not even jealous. almost everyone in my ward {seriously, i kid you not} just had a baby or is due before the year is over. and guess what? it doesnt hurt me! i went to a baby shower recently and didnt come home feeling sorry for myself. but then again, nobody asked the dreaded question {do you have kids?} i still may get defensive over those kinds of questions. we'll see.
sometimes i wonder if i'm becoming too selfish. i dont stress about it though. i want to be as selfish as i can before i get to play mommy. it feels really good to have my schedule all to myself. dont get me wrong, id LOVE a little (+) suprise anytime...but until then i am enjoying selfishness.
my prayer is that those of you who are struggling with infertility {and all the emotions that come with it} will find peace.
find something you really enjoy, something you are good at or want to be good at and just do it! let others see that nothing is stopping you from accomplishing your goals! {that's good advise to myself!}
ttyl

next chapter

these past few days i've had a completely change of heart. like, i don't want children. not in a bitter, angry way...like "i'm so ticked that i cant have them, that guess what, i dont want them anyways!" but in a way that i'll be okay if im not a mother in this life. i think it may be a blessing that i dont have that stong desire, it's going to make this A LOT easier to deal with if i don't want it that badly in the first place. i think most of this came from my last post. some came from talking to DH and some...or a lot came from watching my 2 neices for about 36 hours. i realized im selfish. i like doing what i want when i want to. i like a quiet house where someone isnt constantly talking. i like not playing silly games. i like laying out by the pool, not in the pool playing mermaid. i like watching discovery health rather than the disney channel. i like reading something before bed and not having to tell make believe stories. i like being able to give DH my 100% and not having to share myself. i like listening to my music on the radio (which may or may not have swear words in them). i like sleeping in on a saturday morning if i want, or enjoy an early morning hike without having to be home at any specific time. i like having my glass jars and other pretty things out and not have to worry about them breaking. i like doing it with the bedroom door open...or anywhere in the house we feel like.
i like day trips to cali and relaxing on the beach. i like chilling on the couch at family functions without worrying about a little one getting into trouble. i like not having to "shhhhshhh" kids during sac. mtg.
but guess what? i love babies. but do you know what they turn into? i'd rather have a teeny baby for years than have it turn into a 6+ yr old. i know...im evil.
i used to LOVE babysitting. like, my favorite past time from ages 12-17 was doing that! now, i can't stand it. {unless it's like 0-1yr)

theres a no doubt song: simple kind of life:

I always thought I'd be a mom
Sometimes I wish for a mistake
The longer that I wait the more selfish that I get
You seem like you'd be a good dad

Now all those simple things are simply too complicated for my life
How'd I get so faithful to my freedom?
A selfish kind of life
When all I ever wanted was the simple things
A simple kind of life

it seems to me that these past 3 years have made me selfish.

but, i've decided to enjoy my life. continue to do what i want when i want. and stop being jealous of those who are pregnant or have babies...which apparently i am already over. when af came this morning i didnt even cry. or feel sad. one. little. bit.
honestly, i'm looking forward to this phase. i'm going to do things i have never done before. i want to show that i can have a happy and meaningful life without having children. (show who? me.)
i'm looking forward to not crying at baby blessings. im looking forward to not feeling sorry for myself but being grateful for the moment and period of my life that im in right now. im looking forward to not wanting to be like everyone else. most of all, im looking forward to being happy. which i havent been, truely, for a while. it might take some time. i didnt become grumpy overnight. and rome wasnt built in a day.