Mrs Infertility

2010-04-20T14:08:00.000-07:00

my heart truly aches for every single woman that suffers the pains of infertility. nothing hurts worse. no one can understand what it's like unless they've been through it. i dont know why we are called to endure such heartache. i dont know why some ache for a few months, one year, two years, 3.5 years, 12+ years, or the rest of their life. lucky for us our heavenly father, who knows and loves us more than we will ever know, has a plan for us. complete with blessings and trials. trials are the things that in the end make us who we are. i believe we go through certain ones so as to become who he wants us to be. i think often of the story and process of a lump of coal becoming a diamond. the pressure it goes through to become something so precious can so easily be paralled to the trials we go through on this earth. we are only becoming diamonds!
the 3.5 years we have been trying to conceive i have met only personally met a handful of women who were in the same boat. each time i vented to them of the struggles we are going through they ended up pregnant within 6 months! i was considering offering my services to other infertile women. just come vent with me and you will be with child in the next 6 months!
watching practically everyone around me get pregnant truly made me wonder if i would ever get the chance. i knew i was promised children, but i was so wrapped up in the fact that it felt like so long since we started trying, i just couldnt picture a future where i was pregnant. we were told IVF was our route to parenthood, but honestly, we couldn't afford it and weren't sure we would ever. i mean, should we put ourselves out financially just so we could have a baby? it just didn't seem right. and that was the bottom line. nothing seemed right. adoption was another great option. again, for us, it just didn't feel right.
on dec. 28, 2009, i had an appt with the gyn- i told her we wanted to try the IUI proceudre. we knew the chances were very slim, but we figured they'd be greater than plain 'ol sex. and at about $300 a pop it was much more do-able than ivf. i left the appt feeling very optomistic about the procedure. now all we need to do is wait for AF to come. for the first time in 3.5 years, i couldn't wait!
so, when the days kept coming and going with no sign of AF, i was getting very anxious. we decided we'd wait until i passed 45 days to take a pregnancy test. well, i started to get even more antsy and took a test 3 days sooner. it was sunday and just seemed better to take it then rather than on a weekday. i was up at 6:30 and had to use the restroom so badly. i decided to do it then. i mean it's not like i will actually be pregnant, so i dont have to worry about DH being asleep while i do this. so i preoceded to do what i've done too many times to count. however, this one is one that i will never forget.
now, i dont know why january 17, 2010 was the day it would be my turn. 3 years 7 months and one day after we decided we'd start trying, we got our wish. it was the second best day of our married life. our very first BFP! we have been in shock ever since. i couldnt believe my eyes when on that $1 store pregnancy test i saw two lines. i really did a double take. then, of course, i started crying. bawling. i knelt i prayer immediately, thanking our heavenly father for the gift we have wanted so badly.
i came out of the bathroom still sobbing. i fumbled with the lights. all of my noise woke up DH, that's what i was aiming for. he had no clue what was going on. with worry in his voice he asked what was wrong. i sat on the bed, shaking, and told him we were pregnant. we just hugged. it was the best moment. it was the moment i have dreamt of for so long. it was the moment i wasn't sure would ever become more than just a dream.

everyday we are thankful for this amazing gift. we have no idea why it happened. we were never expecting it. we wished for it, but weren't sure if it'd happen. or when. or how. after being told our chances of ever conceiving natually were "slim to none", this was quite the suprise, as you can imagine. this miracle confirms my faith in god and his power. there is nothing more powerful. it amazes me everyday.

***

i hate to have been out of blogging for as long as i have, only to come back to announce this kind of news. i realize and know you will hurt. for me it was always easier to hear pregnancy news from someone who struggled to get pregnant, but it still hurt.

please know that you are in my heart and prayers. never give up on your dream. never give up on that baby waiting to come to you. i can only imagine they are just as anxious to come to earth to recieve a body as we are to be their mother. i know it probably seems like "it's easy for me to say that" however, i do know that sooner or later we will all be mothers. your desire is there. i feel it in every post i read.

*****

during my heartaches i wanted a place to free my thoughts, fears and sadness. somewhere i could hide myself and not worry about anyone knowing me.
i wont be posting pregnancy updates on this blog, however, if you'd like to follow me, visit my family blog: http://jacksonallison.blogspot.com/

miracles

2010-04-15T14:51:00.000-07:00

it happened.

we were about to do an IUI.

AF never came.

then, for the first time, we saw two lines.

last week we found out it's a boy.

we are excited and humbled.

what dr.s said wouldn't happen on its own, did.

i believe in miracles.

adoption vs. ivf

2009-12-02T06:59:00.000-08:00

back in may of 2008 we met with our RE, in which we were told our chances of ever conceiving on our own was, in his words, "slim to none". since then we've thought about our two ways of starting our family- adoption or ivf. they are both great ways to bring children into the homes of those wanting to start their family or add to it. we've been trying to decide which is best for us. i/we go back and forth. one month we want to adopt, and the next we want to try ivf.
last night we talked about the two scenarios. i feel i have made up my mind. adoption. i feel that adoption is a guarantee. we will eventually get the baby that is meant to be in our family. with ivf, there is no guarantee. we can spend upwards of $10,000 only to have the procedure fail.
everytime we do sealing ordinances in the temple (we try to go 1x month with my inlaws) i get all emotional thinking of being sealed to our child in the temple. maybe that is heavenly father's way of letting me know that we will adopt and have children sealed to us that way. im not sure. at this point we are diligently saving as much $$ as we can and looking for ways to improve our situation. as much as we want children so badly, we just havent had the urgent feeling to move ahead yet.
have any of you felt this way? how did you come to a decision? i know through prayer we will get our answer. did you pray consistently for an answer of how to start your family before you even felt ready to move forward?

turkey for thought

2009-11-30T11:55:00.000-08:00

it seems as if i post when i am having a bad day. i spend a lot of time thinking. my mind is constantly on my infertility. weather or not my thoughts are directed to that or not, it still lingers in the back of my mind like old rotting food in the back of the refridgerator. only this is harder to get rid of. if only it were as easy as tossing it into the garbage.

i wanted to write my thoughts about thanksgiving. this year was harder than any year i can remember. past thanksgivings i dont remember the holiday being more difficult because we didnt have children. it was just as hard as any other day to me. but this year i didn't want to celebrate thanksgiving with anyone. i would have been just fine at home with the husband and dog. i was actually in a sour mood most of the day. it didnt help that as we panted ourselves on the couch to let our food digest, my mom and aunt had to talk about childbirth and all that stuff. i asked if we could change the subject. when that didnt happen i got a tad pissed and said something like, "it's bad enough i have to listen to this kind of stuff everywhere else i go..." and i just walked out and sat in my cousins room and woke my sleeping sister up to chat. it felt good to get that off my chest. i dont say things like that out loud to others, i just keep it all in.

the next day i started putting away my fall decor and getting the christmas stuff out. my heart wasn't in it. usually i am just a happy little elf decorating for christmas. that day i felt sad and empty. i cried a little. "here we are again", i thought, "another holiday has come and gone." last year i looked forward to this christmas thinking i'd atleast be expecting or something in our situation would have changed. but it hasnt. i may as well have been in that tupperware all year. i cried thinking about putting away the christmas lights and ornaments only to get back out next year when everthing will still be the same as it is now. i almost feel foolish. okay, i do feel that way. i almost dont want to bother with getting a tree or even sending christmas cards.

as i sit and complain about my situation, my heart hurts for those who long to be mothers. even more so for those who haven't yet been married. i know plenty of older women who have never married and who long for a spouse and children. i can only imagine their pain is far greater than mine.

i've made a goal to be more thankful for what i do have. i think i am expecting everything to be perfect once i am a mother. in most situations i think life will be better when i am a mother. however, i want life to be great right now! not later. i want to feel absolutely happy and content with where i am now.

2009-11-16T14:34:00.000-08:00

a few weeks ago i found myself crying on the way to work. this is not a new experience. it actually happens often. i dont want to be this. i dont want to be the person that works 40 hour weeks. i want to be at home doing what i have dreamt of for as long as i can remember.
some days i feel like i cant handle what i have been dealt. it fancied the idea of driving 80 mph straight into the freeway wall. when thoughts like that come i have to think of something else before i do something stupid. i dont think i would actually take my life, but some days are just so hard and i find myself thinking about "what if i did....."
i know, that's horrible. i do love my husband and my life for the most part. there are just parts that i cant take.
as i was driving i was talking/thinking to myself (or anyone who was there listening) that i can't handle another period. i can't handle another dissappointment. i can't take it anymore. im through.
well, the weeks have come and gone. af still didn't show her ugly face. i was beginning to think maybe we are finally getting what we have wanted for so long. i took too many pregnancy tests to count. i went to the dr. to take a pregnancy test. all of them said the same thing. "nope. you're not pregnant you fool! why the hell would you think you would be?" but i still had hope. until yesterday. day 46. i lost hope. i lost faith. i lost it. i just cried and cried. it wasn't the biggest meltdown that i've had. they were heartbreaking, quiet tears. realization that we will never just get pregnant on our own. ever.
as i sat in church i was doing fine. i was laughing and smiling at the funny things children were doing. until she walked in. a woman that has been married less than my husband and i have been and who already has 3 children. i wasn't thinking badly of her. i just realized that dh and i are stuck on a ride going nowhere. everyone elses lives are moving. things are changing. toddlers are growing into children. babies are growing into toddlers. bellys are getting round, babies are coming to earth.
but us? no. we're stuck, and i'm starting to get dizzy. everywhere i look things are quickly moving and we're the only things standing still. i shed a few tears after that thought.
i'm not sure what i am supposed to be doing with my time before i get the chance to be a mother. it's so frustrating....
well, i am depressing myself too much. so, on a lighter note, i ran for 16 miles on saturday. i've never felt so capable and so accomplished in my life. i couldn't stop smiling. i wasn't sure if it was true. i kept checking my nike+ipod tracker to make sure i really did that. i even had to repeat to myself in the car on my way home!
maybe there is something to be learned there. i do feel better when i focus on what i can do rather than what i can't do....

so

what makes you feel good about yourself? what's your "neener neener" to those baby makers?!

2009-08-20T15:06:00.001-07:00

it's been quite a while since i have posted anything. i havent been reading too many infertility blogs, either. i've been spending my blogging time on health/exercise/food blogs. my thoughts hardly ever contemplate my infertility. right now i am thankful for that. i remember how i felt not too long ago. it seems as though this weight has been lifted off of me. or rather, i stopped carrying it around. i'm almost nervous for the day i pick it back up. i don't want to, but what if i start lugging that thing around with me?
i dont have any words of wisdom to share or any insights. im just happy where i am. my SIL had a baby not too long ago. and i didn't cry. another SIL is due soon and i'm not even jealous. almost everyone in my ward {seriously, i kid you not} just had a baby or is due before the year is over. and guess what? it doesnt hurt me! i went to a baby shower recently and didnt come home feeling sorry for myself. but then again, nobody asked the dreaded question {do you have kids?} i still may get defensive over those kinds of questions. we'll see.
sometimes i wonder if i'm becoming too selfish. i dont stress about it though. i want to be as selfish as i can before i get to play mommy. it feels really good to have my schedule all to myself. dont get me wrong, id LOVE a little (+) suprise anytime...but until then i am enjoying selfishness.
my prayer is that those of you who are struggling with infertility {and all the emotions that come with it} will find peace.
find something you really enjoy, something you are good at or want to be good at and just do it! let others see that nothing is stopping you from accomplishing your goals! {that's good advise to myself!}
ttyl

next chapter

2009-07-31T09:38:00.000-07:00

these past few days i've had a completely change of heart. like, i don't want children. not in a bitter, angry way...like "i'm so ticked that i cant have them, that guess what, i dont want them anyways!" but in a way that i'll be okay if im not a mother in this life. i think it may be a blessing that i dont have that stong desire, it's going to make this A LOT easier to deal with if i don't want it that badly in the first place. i think most of this came from my last post. some came from talking to DH and some...or a lot came from watching my 2 neices for about 36 hours. i realized im selfish. i like doing what i want when i want to. i like a quiet house where someone isnt constantly talking. i like not playing silly games. i like laying out by the pool, not in the pool playing mermaid. i like watching discovery health rather than the disney channel. i like reading something before bed and not having to tell make believe stories. i like being able to give DH my 100% and not having to share myself. i like listening to my music on the radio (which may or may not have swear words in them). i like sleeping in on a saturday morning if i want, or enjoy an early morning hike without having to be home at any specific time. i like having my glass jars and other pretty things out and not have to worry about them breaking. i like doing it with the bedroom door open...or anywhere in the house we feel like.
i like day trips to cali and relaxing on the beach. i like chilling on the couch at family functions without worrying about a little one getting into trouble. i like not having to "shhhhshhh" kids during sac. mtg.
but guess what? i love babies. but do you know what they turn into? i'd rather have a teeny baby for years than have it turn into a 6+ yr old. i know...im evil.
i used to LOVE babysitting. like, my favorite past time from ages 12-17 was doing that! now, i can't stand it. {unless it's like 0-1yr)

theres a no doubt song: simple kind of life:

I always thought I'd be a mom
Sometimes I wish for a mistake
The longer that I wait the more selfish that I get
You seem like you'd be a good dad

Now all those simple things are simply too complicated for my life
How'd I get so faithful to my freedom?
A selfish kind of life
When all I ever wanted was the simple things
A simple kind of life

it seems to me that these past 3 years have made me selfish.

but, i've decided to enjoy my life. continue to do what i want when i want. and stop being jealous of those who are pregnant or have babies...which apparently i am already over. when af came this morning i didnt even cry. or feel sad. one. little. bit.
honestly, i'm looking forward to this phase. i'm going to do things i have never done before. i want to show that i can have a happy and meaningful life without having children. (show who? me.)
i'm looking forward to not crying at baby blessings. im looking forward to not feeling sorry for myself but being grateful for the moment and period of my life that im in right now. im looking forward to not wanting to be like everyone else. most of all, im looking forward to being happy. which i havent been, truely, for a while. it might take some time. i didnt become grumpy overnight. and rome wasnt built in a day.

For I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content

2009-07-28T09:30:00.000-07:00

I haven't learned yet, but i am learning

I've decided to let the Lord take over. {He has been in charge this whole time, i just never let go} I've been stubborn long enough and if i'm not supposed to be a mother in this lifetime, then so be it. I think it will be easier on myself to plan on a life of being childless and then be suprised with a pregnancy rather than plan on pregnancy and end up childless. I googled "lds and childless" and this is what i found:

*******

Since she was a young girl, Melanie had always imagined she'd be a mother. Once married, she had begun planning what her nursery would look like. She had had the whole thing designed in her mind. She could see the crib, imagine the stuffed animals and brightly colored toys lined up, the sound of children's laughter that would fill the room.
It only slowly dawned on her that she would never have a baby. First there were months and then years of trying, visits to doctors, fertility tests and tears on her pillow at night.
Now, the room she had dreamed of for a nursery has been turned over to projects, but the scrapbooks she hoped to make aren't going to be filled with the family pictures. There aren't albums stuffed with mementos from children or pictures of babies with merry eyes.
Empty rooms, empty scrapbooks, empty dreams. Painfully, Melanie realized she would have to start over to remake the vision of what her life would be.
As the years passed, she grew accustomed to people asking when she was going to start her family. She even grew accustomed to it when people stopped asking as she passed the childbearing years.
She learned to prefer the company of men, because whenever she found herself in a group of women it was only a matter of time before they started talking about their children. How does Charlie like his teacher? they’d ask each other. Melanie had nothing to contribute to the conversation. She had nothing in common with these women, who were supposed to be her sisters in the gospel.
Homemaking meetings, and then enrichment meetings, held little to offer her. She once went to a homemaking meeting where the whole theme was SuperMom. Everyone made a shirt with a SuperMom decal on it. When she said she couldn’t make the shirt because she wasn’t a mother, the teachers tried to talk her into a shirt that said Future SuperMom. Instead she made a shirt that said SuperMe.
Sometimes it seemed bishops didn't know what to do with her. Should they put her in Primary or Young Women, or were those the worst possible callings for a childless woman? As she grew older – and the bishops started getting younger – the nervousness of the bishops often manifested itself as fear. She got so tired of having bishops who were afraid of her. She wasn’t contagious, and it was unfair to be treated as though people could catch whatever it was she had.
Unfairness was at the root of it, of course. When she went grocery shopping and parked her virtuous grocery cart, all full of fruits and vegetables and healthy foods, behind a mother whose cart was full of bagged cookies and chips and sugary cereals, the thoughts came. Why did God let her be a mother, rather than me? I would have done such a better job! Does he love her more? What have I done wrong?
Mother's Day was the worst day of the year, of course. For years she folded her hands under her armpits when the flowers were being passed around. She wasn’t a mother, and she wasn’t going to take one. Then she realized she was only upsetting people who were trying to be kind to her. She stopped going to church on Mother’s Day, so she wouldn’t have to hurt anyone who was only trying to make her feel better. But staying home was just as hard. As hard as she looked, there was nobody there to throw a pair of chubby arms around her neck and say, “You’re the best mommy in the world!”
As years went by, she was stunned to see that some mothers envied her. One of them who came to her house wouldn’t stop raving about the furniture. Finally Melanie said, “Would you trade your four children for my furniture?” Realizing that Melanie was not the one who should be envied, the woman quickly departed.
An Epidemic of Barrenness
Melanie’s situation is one that is all too common in the Church. There seems to be an epidemic of barrenness, and a growing army of women in the Church who are denied the joys of motherhood. Many childless women adopt, but many more don’t feel inspired to do so. These are the ones who find themselves adrift in the community of Saints. Church members don’t know where to put a childless woman – and often she doesn’t have a clue, herself.
I know these things, because I’m one of the childless. My story may not be typical, but that may be the point. Maybe there isn’t a typical situation as far as childlessness is concerned. Childless people are as different as mothers are different, and one size definitely doesn’t fit all.
I didn’t plan on being childless. In fact, I didn’t plan on any of the things that have happened to me in this life. I saw my parents and thought my life would be a mirror of theirs. I would be get married to someone I’d grow to hate, I’d be poor, I’d have three children, and I would be bitterly unhappy.
To my surprise and gratitude, none of those things came to pass. I have a terrific marriage; we aren’t poor, and I am extremely happy. I am also childless.
Oddly, I was prepared for childlessness. When I joined the Church as a junior at Brigham Young University, the first thing I did was run out to get a patriarchal blessing. When I returned home, my roommates gathered around me. “What did it say?” they asked.
I shrugged. “It said I was never going to have children.”
My roommates were quick to reassure me that patriarchal blessings just don’t say things like that. “Mine did,” I insisted. So we waited until the printed copy of my blessing arrived in the mail. Sure enough, there was nothing promising children in my patriarchal blessing. But there was nothing that said I wouldn’t have them, either. Despite what my patriarchal blessing did or didn’t say, I knew from the time the patriarch’s hands were on my head that I would never have children.
Insults and Incompetence
Even though I knew I would be childless, part of me expected to have children anyway. I bought baby clothes, years before I was ever married. I picked out names. I was ready for motherhood. But motherhood never came. Clark and I had the requisite fertility tests. We were poked and prodded – and insulted. (“It’s your fault,” said one doctor. “Your husband is a perfect specimen of manhood.”)
I was subjected to doctors who were too lazy and too insensitive to treat anybody, much less childless women. One of them kept trying to prescribe antidepressants, not because I was depressed, but because his wife, who was also childless, was depressed. When I humored him and took the antidepressants for a short while, he kept calling me every month with the news that I was pregnant. I was the one who finally read in the tiny letters of the clinical pharmacology sheet that the antidepressant he’d put me on was notorious for causing false positives for pregnancy tests. Why did I have to tell the doctor that?
We thought about adopting, but when a wonderful child was offered to us we got a stupor of thought that told us that adoption wasn’t for us. For reasons that were – and are – unknown to us, we were not destined to be parents in this life.
Although the opportunity of motherhood was taken away from me, I was given a great gift at the same time. That gift was that it never occurred to be devastated about being childless. My mantra became the words of the Apostle Paul, who said, “For I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content” (Philippians 4:11).
I can’t pretend I have always followed that counsel. When I gained 140 pounds in six months and doctors never figured out why, I grieved. More than twenty years later, I have never come to terms with that. When I was treated unfairly or cheated by people whom I had trusted, I got angry. When life has dealt me bitter blows, I have had to work hard not to absorb that bitterness.
But at least as far as childlessness is concerned, I was able to accept the situation I was given. I knew this was the Lord's will for me, and that was enough that I never shed a single tear over my childless state. I don’t know why more childless women haven’t been given that gift, but apparently it was something I needed.
Compensations
As I’ve lived through twenty-eight years of childless marriage, I have learned that the old saying is true that windows are opened whenever doors are closed. There are compensations for every deprivation we face – even childlessness. And although having children is a wonderful blessing, and even a commandment for those who can have them, we have to rejoice where we are with the blessings we have, rather than wasting our lives yearning for blessings we haven’t been given.

Here are some blessings of being married and childless. If you find yourself married and childless, these are some consolations:
· Being childless means there are only two people in the household. This may sound like a curse rather than a blessing, but there are advantages here. The biggest one is that if there are only two of you, you can’t ignore things that shouldn’t be ignored. When two partners in a marriage start drifting apart, it is easier for the husband and the wife to focus on the children, rather than on fixing their marriage – or even recognizing that the problems exist. It is only when the last child has left the nest that the wife turns to her friends and says, “We don’t have anything to talk about anymore.”
If there are only two of you in the house, you know there are problems as soon as the problems arise. Because you diagnose the cancer early, it is easy to cut it out without a fatality. And even if there aren’t problems, the fact that it’s just the two of you against the world makes you rely on one another more than other couples are likely to do. People who have only each other to lean on are far more likely to work hard on the relationship.
· Being childless gives you the luxury of getting sick. I catch everything. I have been diagnosed with more fatal diseases than many people have ever heard of. My parents, who were chain-smokers, bequeathed a bad set of lungs to me. Even on a good day, I don’t have the energy to raise children. And on a day when I have the flu and can’t get out of bed, I’m exceedingly grateful that I don’t have to get out of bed even though I can’t.
The reverse of this is that childless people do not have children to bring home everything that’s going around the school. We’ve never had to deal with lice, and whatever bug “everybody” has is more likely to pass over our house. If your immune system isn’t all that great to begin with, it’s good to be able to keep your house at least marginally safe from contagion.
· Being childless allows you more freedom – freedom of travel, freedom to relocate, freedom to take advantage of opportunities that are denied to people with children. The freedom of not having children at home to worry about is a very real compensation for childlessness. Think about it. We can travel when hotel rates are cheaper, and when cruise ships are so empty that the cruise lines almost pay us to travel. If one of us is sent on a sudden business trip, the other one can go and make a second honeymoon (or a twentieth, or a fiftieth) out of it. We were able to move across the country when the opportunity presented itself, without having to worry about a traumatized thirteen-year-old who didn’t want to leave her friends. We have spent the past ten years as temple ordinance workers – a calling that is denied to mothers who still have children at home.
· Being childless means that you get to determine how you spend your time. We have seen families leave the Church because the children’s soccer schedule took over their lives. We don’t have soccer practice – or piano lessons, or band practice, or any of the other opportunities for children that completely commandeer the life of whoever chauffeurs the children around. Instead of taking children to their extracurricular lessons, we were able to discover and develop our own talents by taking cooking classes and stained glass or drawing lessons of our own. We can also watch what television shows we want to watch, spend years of our lives not going to Disney movies (or the amusement parks, for that matter!), and invite friends over to the house to visit.
For us, Family Home Evening consists of dinner out as a couple on Monday nights. Ward members refer to it as our “Family Home Eating,” but that weekly date gives us time to spend making our two-person family stronger.
· Being childless makes for a cleaner house, and nicer furniture to put in it. Granted, people who would forego having children just for the sake of nicer furniture have their priorities skewed. But if you can’t have children anyway, it’s a comfort to know that you don’t have to work as hard to keep the house clean. If your house is a mess, there’s nobody to blame it on but yourself.
· Being childless gives you the luxury of being able to make mistakes without stigmatizing a child for life. If you’re a parent, every word you say and every gesture you make has the potential of devastating a child.
I remember one day in a Girl Scout meeting a group of us were singing. I was trying to harmonize like a friend who was singing alto, but I apparently really messed it up. My mother, the Girl Scout leader, told me I sounded horrible. That was the last time I ever sang in a group where I thought anyone could ever hear me.
My mother wasn’t a bad person, and she was an excellent mother. She made one careless remark, and it traumatized me for life. My tongue has three left feet. I am constantly saying things I regret. Thank goodness I don’t have children, or they would have been twitching wrecks by the time they were three.
· Being childless spares you a whole lot of heartache. In our twenty-eight years of marriage, we’ve seen virtually every tragedy that can befall a parent. We’ve had friends whose children had children out of wedlock – and then went on to keep the children and compound the pain for everyone in the family. We’ve had friends whose children have died tragically (and when isn’t it tragic when a child dies?), and friends whose children have made such terrible decisions that death would have been a blessing. We have had friends whose children committed murder, and we have even had friends whose children were murdered.
We have never had to stay up at night, praying for a child who was taking drugs or using alcohol or who had left the Church. We have never had the agony of certain knowledge that our daughter was marrying someone who would give her a life of sorrow. We have never had to send a son off to war.
It’s important to know that envy goes in both directions. Even as I have envied people who have a houseful of children around them, other people have envied me because I can travel, because our childlessness has allowed us to afford a nicer house, or because – well, they don’t need a reason. It’s always easier to see someone whose life is different, and to wish you had that other person’s life. There are women who tell me they always thought they were destined for more than washing diapers, and reminding them of the sacred role of motherhood is no more helpful for them than it is for me.

Different Ways of Growing Up
I’ve heard people say you can’t be an adult until you’ve had children, and I strongly disagree with that. There is more than one way to learn the lessons you need to learn in life, and to reach spiritual maturity. Parenthood is certainly a fast track to maturity, but it isn’t the only one. Probably the most difficult challenge of being a childless Church member is handling the sincere but thoughtless comments of other members, delivered over the pulpit or in casual conversation.
Being a parent takes a lot of sacrifice. It also takes a lot of courage. I admire people who have children, and my admiration is unbounded for people who have large families and raise those families well.
But it also takes courage to be childless. It takes courage to endure the questions and the ridicule. It takes courage to endure the things that are said about you – both behind your back and to your face. It takes courage to cheerfully ignore the people who tell you that you’re childless because you’re “not relaxing,” and that if you only adopt a child you’ll soon have children of your own. It takes even more courage to turn the other cheek when people tell you right to your face that if you were a righteous person the Lord would give you children – and then demand that you tell them about your unrepented sins.
It takes courage for the women who go out and pursue a career after all attempts at childbearing have failed – only to be treated like second-class citizens by other members of the Church who are all too happy to assume they chose a career over children out of selfishness.
It takes courage to stand up on Mother’s Day and take the flower so as not to hurt the feelings of anyone else. It takes courage to accept a calling as a nursery leader or a Primary teacher, even though none of those children can ever be yours. It takes courage to stay in the room when every ward conference five years in a row is about how to be a better parent, as though there were no other subject we could focus on than parenthood. It takes courage not to take offense when a well-meaning Relief Society teacher always follows the word “mothers” with “and those of you in the room who are not mothers” – even though a quick survey of the room shows that you’re the only non-mother present.
We don't write our own scripts in this life, as much as we may want to. We are poor when we want to be affluent (or at least able to pay our bills!). We are ugly when we want to be beautiful (or at least not-ugly). We are single when we want to be married. And yes, we are childless when we have been told that the most important thing we can do is to be good parents.
All of us – those with children and those without – are God’s children. He loves us all. We each get the trials in life we need. Our trials may be a major burden for us, but there are always blessings that compensate. I am convinced that those of us who live righteous lives will not lose any of the blessings of life. Those blessings may be delayed, but they will not be kept from us. If we rejoice in the things we’ve been given rather than grieve over the blessings we’ve been temporarily denied, we may one day be able to say with Paul that we have learned, in whatsoever state we find ourselves, therein to be content.

*******

music

2009-07-23T09:28:00.000-07:00

there have been a few songs that really seem to make sense right now. dontcha just love a good song?

THE MIDDLE
Hey, Don't write yourself off yet.
It's only in your head you feel left out, Or looked down on.
Just try your best, Try everything you can.
And don't you worry what they tell themselves When you're away.

It just takes some time,little girl, you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything, everything will be just fine,
Everything, everything will be alright.

Hey,You know they're all the same.
You know you're doing better on your own,
So don't buy in. Live right now.
Yeah, just be yourself.
It doesn't matter if it's good enough
For someone else.

ONE STEP AT A TIME
Hurry up and wait
So close, but so far away
Everything that you've always dreamed of
Close enough for you to taste
But you just can't touch
You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet
Wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it
You know you can if you get the chance
In your face as the door keeps slamming
Now you're feeling more and more frustrated
And you're getting all kind of impatient waiting

We live and we learn to take One step at a time
There's no need to rush
It's like learning to fly
Or falling in love
It's gonna happen and it's
Supposed to happen that we
Find the reasons why On step at a time

You believe and you doubt
You're confused, you got it all figured out
Everything that you wished for
Could be yours, should be yours, would be yours
If they only knew

You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet
Wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it
You know you can if you get the chance
In your face as the door keeps slamming
Now you're feeling more and more frustrated
And you're getting all kind of impatient waiting

We live and we learn to take One step at a time
There's no need to rush
It's like learning to fly
Or falling in love
It's gonna happen and it's
Supposed to happen that we
Find the reasons why On step at a time

When you can't wait any longer
But there's no end in sight
It's the faith that makes you stronger
The only way you get there
Is one step at a time

doctor, doctor, gimme the news!

2009-07-22T12:29:00.000-07:00

okay, so i'm still boohoo-ing around. but i am looking foward to about 2 weeks from now.
in may '08 we had our first appt. with our RE and we are finally going back! we took that break to TTC natually (ha!) and we have not seen a single dr. in regards to IF since then. we also needed to use that time to pay off some debt and save some.
we both have a few more test that need to be done to see if we are good candidates for IVF. if we are, we have one year to do the procedure before we have to re-do those tests (about 1,000 buck-a-roos)
if we are not good candidates, we will be seriously looking into adoption!!!
i'm a tad excited about either option. but time is tickin' slowly.....
even worse than the blasted 2ww.

***update***

funny how things change. we've had some unexpected things come up....and have done some talking. therefore, we won't be seeing the dr. anytime soon. and guess what?! we're OKAY with that!!!

boohoo

2009-07-13T09:33:00.000-07:00

the last few days have been really rough. like, really. miserable and flat out depressing. i thought i was doing okay. i thought i could handle this just fine. and that's when it started going downhill. i can't even begin to tell you how many people i know that are expecting. the more news i hear, the more i hate that fact that i can't do the one thing i wish i could---get knocked up. while i'd like to think i am happy for them, i can't help but be sad for myself at the same time. i know, i am being completely selfish. all i can do is think about how i am not pregnant. how i can't get pregnant. how i won't get pregnant without medical intervention. me. me. me. i.i.i. what's a girl to do?
ontop of all this, i have had two dreams where i am holding a precious baby girl. i'm not sure if she was the same in both dreams, but the dreams were so realistic. waking up was heartbreaking. it's time like these i wish i could stay in bed all day and sleep. dream me up some wonderful babies.
i know this is a rather depressing post, but it's just one of those days.

neva gonna get it, neva gonna get it

2009-07-08T08:27:00.000-07:00

always a bridesmaid. never a bride.
that one doesn't ring true to me, but i will tell you what does:
always an aunt, never a mother.
and i hate it. i hate it i tell you.
i love being an aunt, but please, can i just be a mother, atleast once?

nacho baby

2009-06-16T14:44:00.000-07:00

"precious father, why have you given me this desire to wrestle and then made me such a stinky warrior? have i focused too much on my boots and all my fame and my stretchy pants?"

nacho, i sorta feel that way myself.
why have i been given such a strong desire to be a mother but then i was made such a stinky baby maker?

bear with me while i try to compare nacho's story to mine.
hmmm, this should be good.

*first of all, he has always been intrigued by the life of a luchador. i mean, they get "daisies and goodies" and all the "fancy creams and lotions". heck, i wanna be a luchador!
-i have always wanted to be a mother. ever since i can remember.

*next, nacho feels useless. actually, he is told he is such. "jou are useless, ignacio"
-i feel useless. surely i was not made to work m-f doing what i am doing. i feel so completely useless.

*so on he goes to find "another duty". his passion. to become a fighter.
- i’ve found my other duty. i just can’t reach it yet.

*but he can't get there. he is too stinky of a wrestler to ever become a real luchador.
- i can’t get there either. i am too stinky of a baby maker to ever become a real mother.

this is where i stop because we all know that nacho finds strength to win and gives all the monies to the orphans.

however, i haven’t won yet. this movie isn’t over. dang, i need a refill on my popcorn. kettle corn, please.

private {parts} :)

2009-06-12T09:53:00.000-07:00

i've gone back and forth as to whether or not i should be private. if you can read this then you know my decision. i need a way to talk about my feelings openly. i want others to know they are not alone. i decided to make this blog because of the other infertility/adoption blogs that i have read that have given me peace. i can't tell you how many i have read that have brought me to tears. i hope i have something to offer the community that has given me so much.
for now i have decided to keep my name and other info off of this blog. i'm not comfortable with people i personally know reading this blog...and knowing it's me. it's out there for others who can relate...and for myself, of course. i can only imagine i will be a better person for having gone through this trial. i'd like to be able to look back and see how far i have come. here's to a better tomorrow.

better never than late.

2009-06-11T15:18:00.000-07:00

scratch that last post. i spoke too soon. and i'm struggling to see the hope. the only hope i have right now is i hope they have my favorite flavor at the frozen yogurt shop.
{tears}

Tardy.

2009-06-10T13:04:00.001-07:00

Auntie Flo is tardy. Again. Isn’t there some kind of punishment for that? Like detention or something? It’s really starting to get to me. I am starting to go crazy. I used to average 26 day cycles, more recently I have had 29, even 32 day cycles. Me no likey. I’m starting to believe I could actually be with child. Today is day 33. Yikes! Day 30 yielded a negative result. As I think back over the past 3 years, each time I thought about being pregnant, it never felt real. It felt like it would never really happen to me. Whenever I would tell the hubby, he said just the opposite. He could picture it really happening, for reals.
Today as I was thinking about “what if I really am pregnant?” I felt like it could really, really happen. I could see the hubby loving on my belly. I could see us going to the dr. for an ultrasound. It felt real. I could see us past this trial and happily looking forward to the birth of our sweet, long awaited for baby.
Tomorrow morning I will try peeing on a stick again. Wish me luck.
I’d like to end here and keep this sweet and positive and….naive. However, I’ve done that too many times to count. Actually like 41 times, to be exact.
I think of this quote; “If you do what you’ve always done, you will get what you’ve always got.” We’ve always “done it” the old fashioned way {besides those 3 months of clomid} and we’ve always never been with child. So, I have to revert to my post flo thinking. “You idiot. Why would you be so stupid as to believe you YOU(!) could actually be pregnant? When will you ever learn?”
Yes, that sounds about right. That my inner dialogue. Usually it goes on a bit longer, but you get the idea. Perhaps I am still holding on to hope. Hope that it will happen naturally. Hope, even after our RE has said the chances of us ever becoming pregnant naturally are; “slim to none” his words, not mine. I’m sure we’ve all heard of that couple that miraculously becomes pregnant after doctors said it was impossible {or chances being slim to none}. I hope that we are that story. I hope.

All this talk of hope reminds me of an ensign article:

Hope: The Misunderstood Sister
…….My desire to know Hope better was sparked when a high councilor speaking in our sacrament meeting quoted Romans 5:3–5:
“We glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience;
“And patience, experience; and experience, hope:
“And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.”
As I read and reread those verses and pondered and prayed about them, the one concept I could not seem to wrap my mind around was how experience fits in the equation. I could understand that tribulation “worketh” (or brings about) patience. Often that’s all we can do in tribulation—have faith and wait patiently upon the Lord. But what is the experience that patience brings about? And how does it result in hope? This seemed to be what I call a puzzle piece.
For me, things I don’t understand about the gospel are like pieces of a larger puzzle I’m working on. If I don’t see where they fit, I put them aside and work on other parts of the picture. From time to time I pick them up and look at them. If I still don’t see how they fit, I put them aside again. I have already received a witness that the whole picture—the restored gospel—is true and complete, so I don’t worry about the pieces that haven’t come together for me yet. They will.
And so one day, as I reexamined this particular puzzle piece, I saw a possible connection I hadn’t seen before. When we endure tribulation with faith and patience, what we experience is the Savior’s awareness of us and His love for us. We experience them through the ministrations of the Holy Ghost, the Comforter. We receive this witness after the trial of our faith (see Ether 12:6).
In my own life, when I patiently endure trials, the Savior, who took upon Himself all of our ills and sorrows (see Alma 7:11–12), ministers to me through the Spirit. I experience the Savior’s tender mercies. My trials may continue, but having taken upon me the yoke of Christ, I find Him sharing my yoke, making my burdens bearable, and giving me hope. I then have strength to endure. I have assurance that all will be made right, not just in eternity but also for eternity. Hope is anything but wishful. It is expectation based on experience.
I see Hope more clearly now. She is serene. Her eyes have the deep, knowing look of someone well acquainted with sorrow, the luminosity of recently being wet with tears. Hope has the confidence of one who clearly sees a bright future even when the next hours seem fog shrouded. Hope is steady and strong, a friend I am glad to have beside me during my own trials.

With that being said, if I am not a mother in 9 months, I know I will be someday. I will not be denied of that experience. Amid my trials I have hope for a bright future.

2009-06-05T23:02:00.000-07:00

Does it get any easier? I don’t know. I think it does. Like I don’t cry as much….well, that’s not necessarily true. It depends on the day I suppose. I can’t seem to gather my thoughts as to how I feel about that question. When we started TTC 3 years ago, I had NO idea what I was in for. Now, almost 42 cycles later, I have come to accept it as part of my life. Part of who I am. Part of who we are as a couple. So maybe that’s the answer; no, it’s not easier, I have just come to accept it. There’s no denial here.

great read

2009-06-04T14:10:00.000-07:00

want a really good infertility book? this is a great read. i recommend it to anyone in the LDS scene dealing with infertility. you can find it here.

i read this baby in less than 24 hours...not that's it's all that long, i'm just sayin'.

anyhow, i love it and refer to it quite often.

Not "in" fertility…so far from it

2009-06-03T15:49:00.000-07:00

I’m not sure exactly how I want to start this thing. I figure if I type it will come. Crap. Im stumped already. I’m not sure how I feel about infertility. It’s been by my side for three years. What a loyal friend, eh? Numerous times. No, countless times I have told this “friend” of mine to go away! Leave me alone! Be gone I say! Apparently there is nothing I can do or say to make said friend take a hike.
But wait! Alert the media!
The dr. says there is something I can do.
Oh? Tell me more, dr.
There will be a lot of money involved he says…..like, A LOT, a lot. You’ll pay me and I will do the dirty work.
(Intrigued) Please, go on.
The timing has to be just so. It will involve sharp instruments and……..drugs he warns.
But dr! I’ve never been involved in such a thing! I’m scared!
Shoot woman! Do you want to be rid of this or what?!
Hell yes! I exclaim (pardon the french. infertility has made me say a lot of things i shouldn't)
Then…..let the work begin.

And that’s where this tale starts.

After 3 years of TTC we feel we are closer than ever to parenthood. We can taste it. Due to the cold, hard fact that a lot of mullah is involved in the IVF procedure we are doin’ it the old fashioned way until we save up enough bucks for that blessed day when we kick this infertility in the nuts.

I loathe infertility.

There. i said it. (or typed it, rather)

Now that I’ve got that out of my system, I suppose I can find it in me to be nice. After all, it’s been part of me for 3 years...and will be for the rest of my life so I may as well play nice.

Being childless longer than I planned to be has made me realized that when I am no longer such (which will become a reality) I will appreciate those babes that much more because I had to work so blasted hard to get them here. I wanted them here. We wanted them here. They will not be an accident. Infertility has reminded me to work hard for what I want.
Patience is a virtue…or so I hear. That being said, I’m a pretty stubborn person. My mother will attest to that. Infertility has taught me patience.
Month after failed month, tear after tear, tampon after tampon (or would you prefer I called them party poppers? However, this is no celebration) I am reminded that there is always next month. Always. Infertility has taught me to never give up.
When I hear of others’ complaining about you, I am able to relate. I have my own wretched stories to tell. I don’t sit there and say, “It will happen,” or “just relax” like I have been told so many times. I feel for those who haven't been able to get pregnant, and for those who haven't been married yet, but who so righteously desire marriage and therefore, children. Infertility has taught me compassion.
Last, but certainly not least, being a two some for almost 5 years, my husband and I have been able to have a lot of time to ourselves and to each other. To do the things we like and want to do more easily than if we had a chubby dumpling to care for. We have come to know each other better. We have come to rely on each other more. We have come to love each other greater. And let’s face it, we have been going at it like rabbits. Infertility has given me more time alone with the man I love. I've fallen more in love with who he is and what he has to offer {his heart} rather than what he doesn't have to offer.
How are life lessons really learned and ingrained? Read, as if a story. No. They are learned through experience. I have learned so much already. Those lessons are a part of me. Just like infertility is and always be a part of who I am, even if I am able to bear children.
So, infertility, can I call you friend? For you have taught me and will continue to teach me and remind me important lessons that will make me become what my Heavenly Father wants me to be.
Thanks,
Yours truly.

Ps: I’m sure I will see you in a few days. If you’re going to come, please don’t be late, you don’t know how much that teasing gets to me.